It's all relative

Have you ever noticed how we live in a land of the "haves vs. have-nots", "wants vs. needs", "cups half full vs. cups half empty"???  

As I've traveled my life's path - I've interacted with, stumbled upon, met, and been friends with - so many different types of people.   I've actually been several different types of people myself (as life required me to be), when I think about it.   Isn't it funny how we evolve?

I think about my young teen years - I was timid, beaten down, scared of the world, clueless, and buried myself in my school work as an escape - so was an honor student.  I was a 'have-not' and 'want' and my cup was half empty.   I lived in an abusive household, was poor, and was bullied (yes me) at school.   I was so flat chested and so wanted to look like the beautiful girls, and was teased constantly.  My clothes were second hand and I had a good friend who's house I walked to every day before school-who let me borrow clothes to avoid being picked on.   Crazy huh?  Who knew? Not my parents!

In my later teen years - I became bolder, fearless, almost incorrigible, I quit school, ran away from home several times - I stood up to my father in protection of my mother - only to pay the consequences, ran with an extremely rough crowd (bikers) - and experimented with drugs (to escape my home horrors).  On one occasion, when I'd run away - I was so marked up from being beaten by my father - when he came to pick me up - the police threatened to arrest him if they ever saw me like that again.  He beat me nearly to death that night.    My status hadn't changed much, still a have-not, want, and cup half-empty.....is this what pushed me down this path?

After the school years, a marriage out of necessity that failed miserably, and one child later - the problems and lifestyle got more difficult - still a have-not, cup half-empty sorta girl - but want changed to need.  I needed to get a decent income, I needed to provide safety, security shelter, and a decent life for my child.  So I got tougher still.

Years passed.  Men came and went in my life.  My closest bond was to my children.  Yet - interestingly the one child that I fought the hardest to provide for in my younger years- & went through the toughest times of my life to protect (my oldest son) - is the one who has practically alienated himself from me.   He will never understand the miles of walking to work for lack of money, the hours of non-sleep, extra work hours, living in horrendous places (even an abandoned car in a junk yard)- trying to survive - until able to provide for him finally.   Riding busses, hitch-hiking, walking  - doing whatever it took to get money for diapers, formula, baby food, clothes.  Left with babysitters to feed, bathe and care for him when I couldn't and paying 1/2 my HARD earned salaries to them while trying desperately to save enough to get off the street, he was all I was focused on. 

I managed - I made it.  I worked my way through to better and better jobs.  Got nicer clothes, better interviews - until I was finally able to provide for him.  The hours and hours of working and saving - day and night shifts, switching for more money, it was all I could think about.  Until I finally bought a home.  When my mother finally left my father, I asked her to help me and she kept my son for me with her (in a different state) - as she had family around her to support her - and I was alone.  I sent her money regularly - more and more as I made more and more.  I knew he was safe, with people he loved - not being left with strangers,  passed from babysitter to babysitter so I could work or sleep between work hours.  When I finally bought my home I sent her money and she brought him and my brothers and came back - at that time I then thought life was better.

There is a resentment.  I could sense it in him.  I remarried and had two other children.  So now my oldest had two younger brothers and a stepfather (who took excellent care of him, never abused him and provided everthing for him) - but he carried on and acted out as if the world were a horrible place for him!  He was never neglected, mistreated or abused.  He was loved and cared for as were his brother.   Yet he constantly manipulated one parent against the other, and played the stepchild card often.  Was he a want or need?  A have or have not? (He had anything a kid could need).  His cup was definitely half empty in his mind.

Oh how could I fix this thing between us?  Once out of school, married and off on his own,  I often felt as though he only saw me as a handout of sorts, someone he could call for some quick cash,  or go for a visit for gifts on holidays - not as his mother.  And when I could occasionally talk him into coming to family events, it always seemed to come with a price - gas money, borrowed cash, other misc. needs..... It seemed there was never just a nice chat on the phone when he called - after a while when I answered, I knew it would be a request for money.   He voiced anger about my not visiting him or my grandchildren enough once, but I never responded how I wanted to.  Oh how I wanted to tell him about the times I did visit - how I sat in a room, often in a filthy house, while they were off doing something else.  Or felt awkward and uncomfortable, as if they didn't know what to do because I was there.  On some occasions I had my mother with me and she was also uncomfortable....so I know it wasn't something only I was feeling.  I tried to warm him back up - but once he married - it seemed whatever chance of getting my chance to fix whatever it was that was broken was gone, things just worsened, the gap just widened  - he moved on and moved away - heart and all.   He was never the same.  And it saddens me so.  I think of how I dedicated my young life to providing everything for him that I never had - how I wanted so badly for him to be happier than I ever was at home - and how horribly I seem to have failed him somehow.  I "NEED" him to know this.  Maybe someday he will.

My other two sons are very deeply embedded in my life.  I wish all three could be!   Love is a wonderful thing.   My sons are all wonderful people.  And for this I am a very lucky woman.   I WANT - my boys to be happy.  I NEED nothing more at this time.  I am a HAVE now.  I may not be wealthy in material terms but am rich beyond words with love, friendship, and in an amazing environment enjoying my golden years.  My glass is half FULL - and I always seem to be adding to it's fullness.   New friends, reuniting with old friends, some amazing best friends, fabulous life adventures and experiences all keep my once half-full glass now often overflowing!

So looking back - I truly believe that the external environment we are in at the time we make decisions often is what affects those decisions ....the home environment we are provided directs the paths we take..... and friends and family along the way help heal the wounds, restore the broken soul, and renew the energies that may have been drained from us.  We can chose to climb no matter how difficult the path - or we can choose to fall.  The choice is ours... and...It's all relative.