My weight here - painfull at 260# (I started this journey pre-op at 319#)
Monday, August 20, 2012
Taking the plunge
I've struggled with my weight since my second pregnancy. Having not had weight problems until I was 25 years old - it's made it so hard. I've lived the life of the well-built head-turner. Now I'm stuck in the point and laugh model. It's hurtful how horribly people treat the obese. I have fought this for over 30 years now - tried every diet known. Even had a lap band procedure. And here I am - still struggling. So I'm giving this ONE LAST TRY. I'm doing a 90day challenge 'body by Vi' thing. I'm hoping I can get some momentum with it. I lost weight before the Lap Band - but haven't since. It's horrible. Joined and went to gym everyday - when not at gym - walking or biking on the beach..... still.....not an ounce - yet wait - what's this? Swollen legs - soooo swollen can barely bend at the knees. Water building up and building up - where the hell did this come from? Then lets add steroids to the mix for a first time ever case of SHINGLES!!! Really? Where the hell did that come from? So - done with the steroids, now on Lasix to pee my life away and the water in my legs. Still some dependent swelling - but not as bad - so back on the activity track again. I need a BOOST a great big momentous change on the scale - to bring back my motivation and confidence. Thus the challenge. I should probably post a before picture here eh? And then one in 90 days? Sure - why not. Let me see if I can figure out how to do this!
We'll see what happens. I'm hoping a year from now I won't need sweaters to hide the width!!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Energy
Ya know? EVERYthing EVERYwhere is doing something EVERY minute of EVERY day. Pick a verb.....evolving, moving, sleeping, thinking, transforming, moving, standing, sitting, swirling, ......... something will fit. Pick an item - any item. How many verbs fit it at the moment? Ridiculous isn't it?
And in the same thought process - EVERYbody is going SOMEwhere. Going to sit, going to stand, going to the mailbox, the kitchen, the beach, the bathroom, to read, to walk, to think ...... Even nowhere is somewhere! Pick a person - figure where they're going - even if it's 'going to die' - they're going! And pick a place - SOMEone or SOMEthing is headed there for some reason or another. Even in the densest forests - there's some bug working it's way toward that leaf!
All this energy swirling around us, all this activity and motion - all this intention and destination. It's bound to kick up a little electricity in the air don't you think. Is this the current all the radio transmissions ride on? The waves we see in the air? The distortion in our atmosphere?
They say tomorrow never comes. I say bull. Today is the tomorrow we waited for yesterday. We just don't know what tomorrow will bring until it gets here and becomes today. Then when it becomes yesterday - we either add it to our life experiences with pride, try to forget about it, or move forward like it never happened (just another day). Whatever the case - EVERY day we consume and transmit energy.
So my thoughts are - it's time to get crackin' and quit wasting energy. Because eventually it will run out....and when that time comes, the destination will be a final one.
And in the same thought process - EVERYbody is going SOMEwhere. Going to sit, going to stand, going to the mailbox, the kitchen, the beach, the bathroom, to read, to walk, to think ...... Even nowhere is somewhere! Pick a person - figure where they're going - even if it's 'going to die' - they're going! And pick a place - SOMEone or SOMEthing is headed there for some reason or another. Even in the densest forests - there's some bug working it's way toward that leaf!
All this energy swirling around us, all this activity and motion - all this intention and destination. It's bound to kick up a little electricity in the air don't you think. Is this the current all the radio transmissions ride on? The waves we see in the air? The distortion in our atmosphere?
They say tomorrow never comes. I say bull. Today is the tomorrow we waited for yesterday. We just don't know what tomorrow will bring until it gets here and becomes today. Then when it becomes yesterday - we either add it to our life experiences with pride, try to forget about it, or move forward like it never happened (just another day). Whatever the case - EVERY day we consume and transmit energy.
So my thoughts are - it's time to get crackin' and quit wasting energy. Because eventually it will run out....and when that time comes, the destination will be a final one.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Balance
I've been thinking a lot about the balance that makes up our life. It seems that when things are off balance - it results in things going badly. Health, relationships, events, plans, weather, - it's really rather overwhelming when you think about it. Too much sun - burn, too much rain - flood, too much cold - freeze.....too much garbage in our diet - obesity, cancer, diabetes.... too much hostility - loneliness, too much confusion - chaos, too much greed - war, it just goes on and on. But the funny thing is - just when it seems like more than we can handle in our lives - things change, to bring back the balance. Too much sadness - joy comes in, too much work - fun comes in, too many tears - laughter steps in, too much struggling - relief shows up, too much loss - charity kicks in.....
For a long time I wondered about the homeless society. It's made up of many layers. Some of the homeless are this way due to uncontrollable circumstances and want to fix it - and others are by choice. They prefer not to have the responsibility of monthly bills, paying taxes, answering to others or having a schedule. Often, those who choose this lifestyle are most like the human catfish of our society, living off what has been cast off, disposed of, or dropped by the working class - claiming it in order to provide food, shelter and survival for themselves. Thus cleaning up and eliminating waste and in a way - helping the balance in this world just as the bottom fish clean the rivers,lakes, and ocean.
There will always be givers and takers, rich and poor, happy and sad. Survival of the fittest is not just referring to the world of sharks in the sea - who anymore are not the top predators of their environment sadly.
The things that upset the balance seem to be greed, selfishness, ignorance, arrogance and not caring. Continuing to take take take without replacing, destroying without repairing, trashing without cleaning, and turning a deaf ear and blind eye to the cries begging to stop before it's too late.
The other day - I was walking to work with a co-worker. I sort of zig-zagged across the parking lot to get from one side to the other. "Do you sail" he asked. "Why yes - I do" I replied. "I thought so" - he said - "You were just tacking across the parking lot" I laughed and noted how clever an observation that was - and thought about it. Everything in our life - affects everything else in our life - in some direct or off-hand way. Just think.....I'm affecting yours - if you're reading this!
For a long time I wondered about the homeless society. It's made up of many layers. Some of the homeless are this way due to uncontrollable circumstances and want to fix it - and others are by choice. They prefer not to have the responsibility of monthly bills, paying taxes, answering to others or having a schedule. Often, those who choose this lifestyle are most like the human catfish of our society, living off what has been cast off, disposed of, or dropped by the working class - claiming it in order to provide food, shelter and survival for themselves. Thus cleaning up and eliminating waste and in a way - helping the balance in this world just as the bottom fish clean the rivers,lakes, and ocean.
There will always be givers and takers, rich and poor, happy and sad. Survival of the fittest is not just referring to the world of sharks in the sea - who anymore are not the top predators of their environment sadly.
The things that upset the balance seem to be greed, selfishness, ignorance, arrogance and not caring. Continuing to take take take without replacing, destroying without repairing, trashing without cleaning, and turning a deaf ear and blind eye to the cries begging to stop before it's too late.
The other day - I was walking to work with a co-worker. I sort of zig-zagged across the parking lot to get from one side to the other. "Do you sail" he asked. "Why yes - I do" I replied. "I thought so" - he said - "You were just tacking across the parking lot" I laughed and noted how clever an observation that was - and thought about it. Everything in our life - affects everything else in our life - in some direct or off-hand way. Just think.....I'm affecting yours - if you're reading this!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Enlightened
I am reading a book series that has opened my eyes to many interesting ways to look at life. The latest part I just read was about an individual noting he feels sorry for a person who has done another person wrong - not the person who was done wrong. Why? - - Because he has made for himself a world of no trust. Now he must spend his days afraid for when someone will steal from him. The things we do to others become our world. To the thief, everyone in the world is a thief. To the cheater, everyone is thinking to cheat him.
Before reading this, I can honestly say, I've always thought about and felt sorry for the victim - never the perpetrator.
Reading this series I've read many thought provoking parts such as this and because of it have become increasingly introspective. I've wondered who I am - how I became who I am - how I appear to others - how I've affected lives of others - what makes me good - what makes me bad - who's lives I have yet to touch and why - and how I will be remembered after I am gone.
I love to read. Every book is a journey to me. But this series has made me take a trip inside myself like no other before it. I think the author has done exactly what he intends to do with his writing. For the first time in all my years of reading, with all the 100s (maybe 1000s) of books I have read - I feel inclined to find and write to this particular author and thank him for his books. I feel like a haze has been lifted by them - and I am seeing a lot more clearly into myself and much of what I am seeing, is for the very first time.
Strangely - I have a sense of enlightenment like never before. The author has woken up a part of me that I think was either dead or dormant. He should have been a motivational speaker..... and yet if he had been ..... I probably would have never heard his words.
Before reading this, I can honestly say, I've always thought about and felt sorry for the victim - never the perpetrator.
Reading this series I've read many thought provoking parts such as this and because of it have become increasingly introspective. I've wondered who I am - how I became who I am - how I appear to others - how I've affected lives of others - what makes me good - what makes me bad - who's lives I have yet to touch and why - and how I will be remembered after I am gone.
I love to read. Every book is a journey to me. But this series has made me take a trip inside myself like no other before it. I think the author has done exactly what he intends to do with his writing. For the first time in all my years of reading, with all the 100s (maybe 1000s) of books I have read - I feel inclined to find and write to this particular author and thank him for his books. I feel like a haze has been lifted by them - and I am seeing a lot more clearly into myself and much of what I am seeing, is for the very first time.
Strangely - I have a sense of enlightenment like never before. The author has woken up a part of me that I think was either dead or dormant. He should have been a motivational speaker..... and yet if he had been ..... I probably would have never heard his words.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
She's a lady
I've often wondered what my life would have been like in another ERA. When I think of the things I liked about different ERAs - and what I would have liked.
I really miss women being catered to by men. Yeah - that whole 'weaker sex' thing was actually sorta nice. The graciousnes of men standing when a woman comes to the table, or leaves the table, pulling out her chair for her, opening the doors for her..... I would have love to still be able to be a 'girly girl'.
The women of the old West were tough. I'd have survived it. I'm sure of it. I've done the hard work, the survival bit - overcome fears, fought the battles of life. I think of the 'jobs' assigned to women of those days - cooking, canning, sewing, cleaning, childcare....yeah. I've done the cooking, canning, sewing, cleaning, childcare. Maybe not with 12 people in a 2 room cabin with dirt floors and a fireplace being the only heat. But in reality - I can honestly say - I actually liked making my kids' clothes, canning all summer in preparation for winter, gardening and planting veggies and flowers and having the pride of producing wonderful foods. (One of my favorites - zucchini relish! Yum) It was a hard life - but a simple life. Expectations were pretty even for men and women. (Although I'm not so sure about the quilting in order to have blankets... but guess I woulda done it.) The long dresses and petticoats were great. I love that too! (They probably didn't) :)
The roaring 20's? Oh HELL YEAH! I Sooooo would have been a flapper. Me in my crazy sexy little shakey dress thingies - breaking all the rules. Doing the Charleston....(I can almost see myself in a short red dress, feather boa, and feather headband...can you see it?...can you hear it?) I probably would have been mobster owned and dance-hall approved! LOL
And then there's dancing to music of the big bands! Swing dancing? You betcha! (Now- I've got "In the Mood" by Glenn Miller in my head right now.
Even way way back - Renaissance era - ELEGANCE prevailed. Lovely gowns, parasols, gloves, - soooo pretty! Yup - woulda loved it. (maybe not if I was poor - would have HAD to be one of the rich girls with all the REALLY nice stuff LOL)
I imagine most of my friends would find it surprising that I could be such a 'miss priss' - but there are the few who know how much I love my 'fu-fu' and glitter. That side of me shows in some of my hobbies and habits though I do hide it most of the time relatively well.
Today women scream for equality - seem to want to be treated like men, and can dress in just about anything from men's 3-piece suites, to early American female socialite, to goth - to CFM attire these days and be considered dressed acceptibly. The line between men and women is slowly becoming blurred.... and it saddens me some. I love women being feminine and frilly - being doted on by their men. I want those days back.
Ah but such is the ERA of today. Be what you want - when you want - where you want. And dress any which way you want. Freedoms are good. I get that. Hoever, being 'treated like a lady' is so yesterday. Sigh.............
I really miss women being catered to by men. Yeah - that whole 'weaker sex' thing was actually sorta nice. The graciousnes of men standing when a woman comes to the table, or leaves the table, pulling out her chair for her, opening the doors for her..... I would have love to still be able to be a 'girly girl'.
The women of the old West were tough. I'd have survived it. I'm sure of it. I've done the hard work, the survival bit - overcome fears, fought the battles of life. I think of the 'jobs' assigned to women of those days - cooking, canning, sewing, cleaning, childcare....yeah. I've done the cooking, canning, sewing, cleaning, childcare. Maybe not with 12 people in a 2 room cabin with dirt floors and a fireplace being the only heat. But in reality - I can honestly say - I actually liked making my kids' clothes, canning all summer in preparation for winter, gardening and planting veggies and flowers and having the pride of producing wonderful foods. (One of my favorites - zucchini relish! Yum) It was a hard life - but a simple life. Expectations were pretty even for men and women. (Although I'm not so sure about the quilting in order to have blankets... but guess I woulda done it.) The long dresses and petticoats were great. I love that too! (They probably didn't) :)
The roaring 20's? Oh HELL YEAH! I Sooooo would have been a flapper. Me in my crazy sexy little shakey dress thingies - breaking all the rules. Doing the Charleston....(I can almost see myself in a short red dress, feather boa, and feather headband...can you see it?...can you hear it?) I probably would have been mobster owned and dance-hall approved! LOL
And then there's dancing to music of the big bands! Swing dancing? You betcha! (Now- I've got "In the Mood" by Glenn Miller in my head right now.
Even way way back - Renaissance era - ELEGANCE prevailed. Lovely gowns, parasols, gloves, - soooo pretty! Yup - woulda loved it. (maybe not if I was poor - would have HAD to be one of the rich girls with all the REALLY nice stuff LOL)
I imagine most of my friends would find it surprising that I could be such a 'miss priss' - but there are the few who know how much I love my 'fu-fu' and glitter. That side of me shows in some of my hobbies and habits though I do hide it most of the time relatively well.
Today women scream for equality - seem to want to be treated like men, and can dress in just about anything from men's 3-piece suites, to early American female socialite, to goth - to CFM attire these days and be considered dressed acceptibly. The line between men and women is slowly becoming blurred.... and it saddens me some. I love women being feminine and frilly - being doted on by their men. I want those days back.
Ah but such is the ERA of today. Be what you want - when you want - where you want. And dress any which way you want. Freedoms are good. I get that. Hoever, being 'treated like a lady' is so yesterday. Sigh.............
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Weddings and Funerals
Let's think about this...... How honest are we at weddings and funerals? Really?
We promise at weddings - 'til death do us part' - yet over and over again - parting comes waaayyyy before death. Promises are pretty shallow anymore. Sure - when the promise is made - the parties making it may believe what they're saying. But can you really predict the future? Did you really see your 'true love' at their worst? Often we show our best to impress and the real underlying faults and cracks in our psyche don't rear up their ugly heads until after the promise is made, the papers are signed and ownership of all is 1/2 and 1/2. So then what? Leave? Lose all the stuff? Often for the sake of sanity the answer is yes - but often things drag on indefinitely - creating two miserable souls bound to each other based on a promise, staying together for whatever reasons: the kids, the money, the dog, the inconvenience... the list goes on and on.
And funerals....oh where do we begin.....
I've been to too many in my lifetime - that seems to happen when you get older. And I can not tell you how many times I have seen people stand up at the podium, and spout off all the wonderful traits the deceased had and how much they will miss them.....when everyone in the room knows they hated each other in life!!! And the survivors - the families and friends. So lost, not ready to give up their loved ones - so many unrealized dreams. The pain and devastation in their eyes so very evident. And yet, there's the few - that should get an emmy - for the best "what am I gonna do without them" show - falling on the floor, screaming, wallowing around like a walrus on a beach, carrying on like they're having an active seizure and nearly foaming at the mouth. The funeral is all about them - not the deceased in their eyes. So...all eyes should be on them....all condolences belong to them....all comments should be about them.... what a dishonor to the deceased!
So what's the solution?
HONEST and REAL. No put ons from the start. What you see is what you get. There's someone out there that is perfect for you and can put up with your craziness - you just gotta wait for them. Scaring a few a way is just part of the journey. Most trips are about the journey - not the destination anyway!!
And at your loved-one's the end - suffer silently and respectfully. It's not all about you. You aren't the only one who took the hit and are suffering the loss. There are parents, siblings, spouses, children, grandchildren, best friends, and co-workers and more who all feel the pain as well and could use a hug, a pat on the back, a kind word.
We promise at weddings - 'til death do us part' - yet over and over again - parting comes waaayyyy before death. Promises are pretty shallow anymore. Sure - when the promise is made - the parties making it may believe what they're saying. But can you really predict the future? Did you really see your 'true love' at their worst? Often we show our best to impress and the real underlying faults and cracks in our psyche don't rear up their ugly heads until after the promise is made, the papers are signed and ownership of all is 1/2 and 1/2. So then what? Leave? Lose all the stuff? Often for the sake of sanity the answer is yes - but often things drag on indefinitely - creating two miserable souls bound to each other based on a promise, staying together for whatever reasons: the kids, the money, the dog, the inconvenience... the list goes on and on.
And funerals....oh where do we begin.....
I've been to too many in my lifetime - that seems to happen when you get older. And I can not tell you how many times I have seen people stand up at the podium, and spout off all the wonderful traits the deceased had and how much they will miss them.....when everyone in the room knows they hated each other in life!!! And the survivors - the families and friends. So lost, not ready to give up their loved ones - so many unrealized dreams. The pain and devastation in their eyes so very evident. And yet, there's the few - that should get an emmy - for the best "what am I gonna do without them" show - falling on the floor, screaming, wallowing around like a walrus on a beach, carrying on like they're having an active seizure and nearly foaming at the mouth. The funeral is all about them - not the deceased in their eyes. So...all eyes should be on them....all condolences belong to them....all comments should be about them.... what a dishonor to the deceased!
So what's the solution?
HONEST and REAL. No put ons from the start. What you see is what you get. There's someone out there that is perfect for you and can put up with your craziness - you just gotta wait for them. Scaring a few a way is just part of the journey. Most trips are about the journey - not the destination anyway!!
And at your loved-one's the end - suffer silently and respectfully. It's not all about you. You aren't the only one who took the hit and are suffering the loss. There are parents, siblings, spouses, children, grandchildren, best friends, and co-workers and more who all feel the pain as well and could use a hug, a pat on the back, a kind word.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
It's all relative
Have you ever noticed how we live in a land of the "haves vs. have-nots", "wants vs. needs", "cups half full vs. cups half empty"???
As I've traveled my life's path - I've interacted with, stumbled upon, met, and been friends with - so many different types of people. I've actually been several different types of people myself (as life required me to be), when I think about it. Isn't it funny how we evolve?
I think about my young teen years - I was timid, beaten down, scared of the world, clueless, and buried myself in my school work as an escape - so was an honor student. I was a 'have-not' and 'want' and my cup was half empty. I lived in an abusive household, was poor, and was bullied (yes me) at school. I was so flat chested and so wanted to look like the beautiful girls, and was teased constantly. My clothes were second hand and I had a good friend who's house I walked to every day before school-who let me borrow clothes to avoid being picked on. Crazy huh? Who knew? Not my parents!
In my later teen years - I became bolder, fearless, almost incorrigible, I quit school, ran away from home several times - I stood up to my father in protection of my mother - only to pay the consequences, ran with an extremely rough crowd (bikers) - and experimented with drugs (to escape my home horrors). On one occasion, when I'd run away - I was so marked up from being beaten by my father - when he came to pick me up - the police threatened to arrest him if they ever saw me like that again. He beat me nearly to death that night. My status hadn't changed much, still a have-not, want, and cup half-empty.....is this what pushed me down this path?
After the school years, a marriage out of necessity that failed miserably, and one child later - the problems and lifestyle got more difficult - still a have-not, cup half-empty sorta girl - but want changed to need. I needed to get a decent income, I needed to provide safety, security shelter, and a decent life for my child. So I got tougher still.
Years passed. Men came and went in my life. My closest bond was to my children. Yet - interestingly the one child that I fought the hardest to provide for in my younger years- & went through the toughest times of my life to protect (my oldest son) - is the one who has practically alienated himself from me. He will never understand the miles of walking to work for lack of money, the hours of non-sleep, extra work hours, living in horrendous places (even an abandoned car in a junk yard)- trying to survive - until able to provide for him finally. Riding busses, hitch-hiking, walking - doing whatever it took to get money for diapers, formula, baby food, clothes. Left with babysitters to feed, bathe and care for him when I couldn't and paying 1/2 my HARD earned salaries to them while trying desperately to save enough to get off the street, he was all I was focused on.
I managed - I made it. I worked my way through to better and better jobs. Got nicer clothes, better interviews - until I was finally able to provide for him. The hours and hours of working and saving - day and night shifts, switching for more money, it was all I could think about. Until I finally bought a home. When my mother finally left my father, I asked her to help me and she kept my son for me with her (in a different state) - as she had family around her to support her - and I was alone. I sent her money regularly - more and more as I made more and more. I knew he was safe, with people he loved - not being left with strangers, passed from babysitter to babysitter so I could work or sleep between work hours. When I finally bought my home I sent her money and she brought him and my brothers and came back - at that time I then thought life was better.
There is a resentment. I could sense it in him. I remarried and had two other children. So now my oldest had two younger brothers and a stepfather (who took excellent care of him, never abused him and provided everthing for him) - but he carried on and acted out as if the world were a horrible place for him! He was never neglected, mistreated or abused. He was loved and cared for as were his brother. Yet he constantly manipulated one parent against the other, and played the stepchild card often. Was he a want or need? A have or have not? (He had anything a kid could need). His cup was definitely half empty in his mind.
Oh how could I fix this thing between us? Once out of school, married and off on his own, I often felt as though he only saw me as a handout of sorts, someone he could call for some quick cash, or go for a visit for gifts on holidays - not as his mother. And when I could occasionally talk him into coming to family events, it always seemed to come with a price - gas money, borrowed cash, other misc. needs..... It seemed there was never just a nice chat on the phone when he called - after a while when I answered, I knew it would be a request for money. He voiced anger about my not visiting him or my grandchildren enough once, but I never responded how I wanted to. Oh how I wanted to tell him about the times I did visit - how I sat in a room, often in a filthy house, while they were off doing something else. Or felt awkward and uncomfortable, as if they didn't know what to do because I was there. On some occasions I had my mother with me and she was also uncomfortable....so I know it wasn't something only I was feeling. I tried to warm him back up - but once he married - it seemed whatever chance of getting my chance to fix whatever it was that was broken was gone, things just worsened, the gap just widened - he moved on and moved away - heart and all. He was never the same. And it saddens me so. I think of how I dedicated my young life to providing everything for him that I never had - how I wanted so badly for him to be happier than I ever was at home - and how horribly I seem to have failed him somehow. I "NEED" him to know this. Maybe someday he will.
My other two sons are very deeply embedded in my life. I wish all three could be! Love is a wonderful thing. My sons are all wonderful people. And for this I am a very lucky woman. I WANT - my boys to be happy. I NEED nothing more at this time. I am a HAVE now. I may not be wealthy in material terms but am rich beyond words with love, friendship, and in an amazing environment enjoying my golden years. My glass is half FULL - and I always seem to be adding to it's fullness. New friends, reuniting with old friends, some amazing best friends, fabulous life adventures and experiences all keep my once half-full glass now often overflowing!
So looking back - I truly believe that the external environment we are in at the time we make decisions often is what affects those decisions ....the home environment we are provided directs the paths we take..... and friends and family along the way help heal the wounds, restore the broken soul, and renew the energies that may have been drained from us. We can chose to climb no matter how difficult the path - or we can choose to fall. The choice is ours... and...It's all relative.
As I've traveled my life's path - I've interacted with, stumbled upon, met, and been friends with - so many different types of people. I've actually been several different types of people myself (as life required me to be), when I think about it. Isn't it funny how we evolve?
I think about my young teen years - I was timid, beaten down, scared of the world, clueless, and buried myself in my school work as an escape - so was an honor student. I was a 'have-not' and 'want' and my cup was half empty. I lived in an abusive household, was poor, and was bullied (yes me) at school. I was so flat chested and so wanted to look like the beautiful girls, and was teased constantly. My clothes were second hand and I had a good friend who's house I walked to every day before school-who let me borrow clothes to avoid being picked on. Crazy huh? Who knew? Not my parents!
In my later teen years - I became bolder, fearless, almost incorrigible, I quit school, ran away from home several times - I stood up to my father in protection of my mother - only to pay the consequences, ran with an extremely rough crowd (bikers) - and experimented with drugs (to escape my home horrors). On one occasion, when I'd run away - I was so marked up from being beaten by my father - when he came to pick me up - the police threatened to arrest him if they ever saw me like that again. He beat me nearly to death that night. My status hadn't changed much, still a have-not, want, and cup half-empty.....is this what pushed me down this path?
After the school years, a marriage out of necessity that failed miserably, and one child later - the problems and lifestyle got more difficult - still a have-not, cup half-empty sorta girl - but want changed to need. I needed to get a decent income, I needed to provide safety, security shelter, and a decent life for my child. So I got tougher still.
Years passed. Men came and went in my life. My closest bond was to my children. Yet - interestingly the one child that I fought the hardest to provide for in my younger years- & went through the toughest times of my life to protect (my oldest son) - is the one who has practically alienated himself from me. He will never understand the miles of walking to work for lack of money, the hours of non-sleep, extra work hours, living in horrendous places (even an abandoned car in a junk yard)- trying to survive - until able to provide for him finally. Riding busses, hitch-hiking, walking - doing whatever it took to get money for diapers, formula, baby food, clothes. Left with babysitters to feed, bathe and care for him when I couldn't and paying 1/2 my HARD earned salaries to them while trying desperately to save enough to get off the street, he was all I was focused on.
I managed - I made it. I worked my way through to better and better jobs. Got nicer clothes, better interviews - until I was finally able to provide for him. The hours and hours of working and saving - day and night shifts, switching for more money, it was all I could think about. Until I finally bought a home. When my mother finally left my father, I asked her to help me and she kept my son for me with her (in a different state) - as she had family around her to support her - and I was alone. I sent her money regularly - more and more as I made more and more. I knew he was safe, with people he loved - not being left with strangers, passed from babysitter to babysitter so I could work or sleep between work hours. When I finally bought my home I sent her money and she brought him and my brothers and came back - at that time I then thought life was better.
There is a resentment. I could sense it in him. I remarried and had two other children. So now my oldest had two younger brothers and a stepfather (who took excellent care of him, never abused him and provided everthing for him) - but he carried on and acted out as if the world were a horrible place for him! He was never neglected, mistreated or abused. He was loved and cared for as were his brother. Yet he constantly manipulated one parent against the other, and played the stepchild card often. Was he a want or need? A have or have not? (He had anything a kid could need). His cup was definitely half empty in his mind.
Oh how could I fix this thing between us? Once out of school, married and off on his own, I often felt as though he only saw me as a handout of sorts, someone he could call for some quick cash, or go for a visit for gifts on holidays - not as his mother. And when I could occasionally talk him into coming to family events, it always seemed to come with a price - gas money, borrowed cash, other misc. needs..... It seemed there was never just a nice chat on the phone when he called - after a while when I answered, I knew it would be a request for money. He voiced anger about my not visiting him or my grandchildren enough once, but I never responded how I wanted to. Oh how I wanted to tell him about the times I did visit - how I sat in a room, often in a filthy house, while they were off doing something else. Or felt awkward and uncomfortable, as if they didn't know what to do because I was there. On some occasions I had my mother with me and she was also uncomfortable....so I know it wasn't something only I was feeling. I tried to warm him back up - but once he married - it seemed whatever chance of getting my chance to fix whatever it was that was broken was gone, things just worsened, the gap just widened - he moved on and moved away - heart and all. He was never the same. And it saddens me so. I think of how I dedicated my young life to providing everything for him that I never had - how I wanted so badly for him to be happier than I ever was at home - and how horribly I seem to have failed him somehow. I "NEED" him to know this. Maybe someday he will.
My other two sons are very deeply embedded in my life. I wish all three could be! Love is a wonderful thing. My sons are all wonderful people. And for this I am a very lucky woman. I WANT - my boys to be happy. I NEED nothing more at this time. I am a HAVE now. I may not be wealthy in material terms but am rich beyond words with love, friendship, and in an amazing environment enjoying my golden years. My glass is half FULL - and I always seem to be adding to it's fullness. New friends, reuniting with old friends, some amazing best friends, fabulous life adventures and experiences all keep my once half-full glass now often overflowing!
So looking back - I truly believe that the external environment we are in at the time we make decisions often is what affects those decisions ....the home environment we are provided directs the paths we take..... and friends and family along the way help heal the wounds, restore the broken soul, and renew the energies that may have been drained from us. We can chose to climb no matter how difficult the path - or we can choose to fall. The choice is ours... and...It's all relative.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Wonderful Wednesday
So - the week is past the half-way mark, a new month has begun, summer is winding down and things are just getting better and better every day for me - or so it seems. For the longest time every day was a struggle, financial concerns kept me awake - and having the constant juggling act - it was so difficult - keeping all the balls in the air became a virtually impossible task.
But now - with the help of my financial planner (and good friend) I have eliminated a huge amount of monthly expenses, paid in full, no more monthly payments. I've rolled all my retirement funds into one broker (her) and no longer have loans against that money either (30year loan - really? I'll be 90 years old for God's sake) So the money is no longer tied up tight and inaccessible - nor is it LOSING money (as it has for the past 10 years with the other broker that used to handle it). I've already seen improvement, even with this shakey economy - such as it is.
So now, I have money in the bank - (including savings again). My bills are all paid up to date every month. I own my car free and clear - and I can start saving and making some plans to have some travel fun again. I still don't sleep at night but at least now I know its not stress (could it be old age?)
This coming weekend - one of my friends is getting married. Apparently middle-aged women still have a chance these days to find love. I'm very happy for her. (Wonder if he has an older brother). So, I now have yet another a happy event to go to over the weekend. My weekends have certainly been busy and filled with great events this summer!
Anyway - why wonderful wednesday? Well besides only having 2 days until the weekend, a weight off my shoulders, a few bucks in the bank, and my dreams back again - today at work I spent the morning in a planning meeting (so it didn't feel like work at all) - and when I got back to the office and went to our monthly staff meeting - I was given a 'public hero' award for going above and beyond and the State having written a letter regarding my great presentation in Sacramento! I did not see it coming - it was a complete surprise - and it felt really good!
I wonder what Thursday will bring!
But now - with the help of my financial planner (and good friend) I have eliminated a huge amount of monthly expenses, paid in full, no more monthly payments. I've rolled all my retirement funds into one broker (her) and no longer have loans against that money either (30year loan - really? I'll be 90 years old for God's sake) So the money is no longer tied up tight and inaccessible - nor is it LOSING money (as it has for the past 10 years with the other broker that used to handle it). I've already seen improvement, even with this shakey economy - such as it is.
So now, I have money in the bank - (including savings again). My bills are all paid up to date every month. I own my car free and clear - and I can start saving and making some plans to have some travel fun again. I still don't sleep at night but at least now I know its not stress (could it be old age?)
This coming weekend - one of my friends is getting married. Apparently middle-aged women still have a chance these days to find love. I'm very happy for her. (Wonder if he has an older brother). So, I now have yet another a happy event to go to over the weekend. My weekends have certainly been busy and filled with great events this summer!
Anyway - why wonderful wednesday? Well besides only having 2 days until the weekend, a weight off my shoulders, a few bucks in the bank, and my dreams back again - today at work I spent the morning in a planning meeting (so it didn't feel like work at all) - and when I got back to the office and went to our monthly staff meeting - I was given a 'public hero' award for going above and beyond and the State having written a letter regarding my great presentation in Sacramento! I did not see it coming - it was a complete surprise - and it felt really good!
I wonder what Thursday will bring!
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